Less can be More: When to Simplify Your Language

As a parent (or any helpful adult), when a child is having a difficult time following through on a task or instruction, our natural inclination is to talk more. Whether our intention is to convince the child to participate, provide assistance by “talking him through it,” or ease our own anxiety, the rate and volume of our speech tends to increase. For example, your child might be starting to melt down because he wants to continue to play with trains, but you've said it's time to get pajamas on. You might find yourself saying, “Come on, Joshua. Time to put pajamas on. Come on, let's go. They're right there on your bed. Bottoms first, then the top. Here, put your leg in.” Our pitch and rate may increase as our own anxiety increases. This is natural and difficult to counteract.

However, especially for an autistic child, this can quickly become counter-productive. We need to re-program ourselves to react in a way that will calm the child and give him time to process what has been said, process his own emotions about the expectation, and make the decision to follow through. The first step in this process is to simplify our language. We need to speak less, and send a clear direct message...and then pause so there is time to process the message. In the situation outlined above, you  might simply say “pajamas” with a gesture toward the bed where they are laid out. Alternatively, you might give a First/Then such as “First pajamas, then story”, if listening to a story is a preferred activity for him. Or, you might model the behavior yourself, and/or point out others who are putting on pajamas, “We're all putting on our pajamas.” No matter what, it is important to use a firm but kind tone of voice. If tour child has a meltdown, it is important to remain calm and supportive, while maintaining the expectation that he follow through. Remember, the tendency will be for your anxiety to increase when your child is upset, and that usually results in increased rate, pitch, and pace of language - the exact opposite of what your child needs to move through the meltdown. Do your best to remember to counteract the inclination to talk more. Stay near him, wait, and once he starts to calm a little, repeat the expectation using the same simple, direct language (e.g. "pajamas on" with a point - or "First pajamas, Then story"). Just when you think a child will refuse or tantrum forever, he stops, stands up, completes the task and moves on.

Using simple language is not only important when a child is melting down, it is important before the meltdown occurs, especially during transitions or other high-stress times. You can help your autistic child stay calm and sometimes prevent meltdowns altogether by stating expectations and instructions clearly, firmly, and with simple language. For example:

“Time to wash hands. Let’s go. Wash your hands in the big sink. Come on, let’s go” becomes “Wash hands” with a point toward the sink, wait time and an expectant look.

“We are going outside. Let’s put on our coats. Coat on, zip it up” becomes “Coat on, then zip” with a point toward her coat, wait time, and an expectant look.

“Bed time. Time to get under the covers. We'll read a story. Slippers off, hop on up” becomes “Time for bed” with a gesture toward the bed, wait time, and an expectant look.

Think about your own needs at times when you feel overwhelmed or confused. When someone continues to talk at you, it becomes more and more distressing. You need time to process your own emotions and decide how you will proceed. For your autistic child, on top of that you must add possible heightened anxiety and difficulty processing language. Simplifying your language and providing the time to process that language can go a long way toward helping your autistic child stay regulated and ready to learn!

So, next time you’re interacting with your and you see his anxiety begin to increase, think about exactly what he needs to do and say it in two or three words. State the expectation firmly and clearly, adding a gesture where needed and plenty of wait time. Stay calm yourself, and let your tone of voice and manner of speaking reflect this. Your quiet state will anchor the child and reassure him that he will be okay. Remember, stay calm, be firm, and use 2-3 words. Once you do this enough, it will start to become second nature, and you and your child will benefit.

Leslie